Relax, accept, resist, express

SB1070, referred to by some as the “show me your papers law,” was passed by the Arizona Legislature and signed into law in 2010. It allowed law enforcement officers to require documentation to “determine immigration status” of anyone at “any lawful contact.” A neighbor said to me that I shouldn’t be worried about suddenly being stopped and detained since I looked professional and lived in a nice part of town. I was hurt and angered.

I took a deep breath to help me calm down so I could find the most constructive path forward. I genuinely and explicitly acknowledged my neighbor’s perspective, that this law would be of minimal consequence to law-abiding citizens and was intended for those here illegally, at the same time that I resisted the urge to challenge it through my own judgement. Finally, I calmly expressed my own perspective, which was that this law in fact placed a requirement on me to look a certain way and behave in a certain manner unnatural to my daily life in order to avoid harassment by law enforcement officers. While we didn’t conclude our conversation in agreement, both of us walked away agreeing that there was more to it than what we originally brought to the conversation.

This approach, which I came across while attending SIFMA’s Securities Industry Institute, is a critical tool to help you keep emotions in check while fully engaging and expressing yourself in a constructive manner. It can be easily memorized through the acronym RARE:

—> Relax: Take a few deep breaths through your nose. Become conscious of your breathing. Emotions are unavoidable, but we rarely put our best foot forward when we are overwhelmed with emotions.

—> Accept: Genuinely accept the other’s person perspective. This is not the same as agreeing with them. It is simply acknowledging their point of view. Without this acknowledgement, no dialogue can exist.

—> Resist: It is in our nature to want to reframe other perspectives through our own judgement. The word “but” is a sign that we are reframing someone else’s perspective through our own.

—> Express: Calmly express your own point of view, not as a retort, but as a genuine attempt at offering a different perspective to consider.

Emotional dark clouds are an unavoidable part of life. The challenge for all of us is to develop the ability to navigate them to a better outcome.